FAMILY

My connection to BBQ is not only about food. It has become a symbol — a playful thread running through my life. I live in a world shaped by music, games, riddles and wordplay. 
I rarely express myself directly; instead, I communicate through detours, hints and puzzles. 
This is not only because I am shy or awkward. 
It is because my mind works in a childish, game-like way.

For many people, “BarBieQ” is just a word game. For me, it is essential. 
I often see people as dolls or toys — figures I can play with, ignore when their needs feel inconvenient, react only when something benefits me, and sometimes even take delight in someone else's misfortune because empathy does not come naturally to me.

The following sections describe this in detail:

1. My faults — and my indifference toward them

I have many faults, and I do not care about them. I am not willing to change, 
because other people’s opinions rarely matter to me.

I cannot handle criticism or arguments. My instinct is to ignore. On WhatsApp, I often pretend not to have read messages by hiding the read receipt — even when I did read them. 
Messages and emails can remain unanswered for weeks or forever if they contain something I do not want to deal with.

This pattern exists not only online. In real life, I avoid confrontation and escape into my world of music.

2. My difficulty admitting mistakes

It is hard for me to admit when I am wrong. I do not want to reveal weakness. 
People notice that I struggle to express myself — not only in Hebrew, but also in English.

I do not care if my YouTube videos contain basic English mistakes for more than a year. 
Even when others correct me, I ignore it. I cannot admit the error, cannot fix it, and cannot even say thank you.

3. My lack of empathy — in daily life and in relationships

I cannot express empathy for other people’s domestic problems because I do not care about my own. 
For more than ten years I have had issues in my home, but never solved them. 
Guests had to fix things themselves, and I neither apologized nor thanked them. 
I simply ignored it — just as I ignore anything I cannot feel empathy for.

In general, empathy is difficult for me. I sometimes prefer to rub salt into the wound. 
When my father died, I received sincere empathy. But when someone I know lost a friend, I reacted by uploading provocative videos — as if I needed to prove that I am the king of games rather than someone capable of compassion.

4. Giving and taking — a lesson I never learned

Life is about giving and taking, but I never fully understood this. When I receive a present, a gesture or a dedication full of effort and time, I often fail to express gratitude. 
This lack of acknowledgment hurts others, yet I remain indifferent. 
This pattern, too, runs through my life like a common thread.

5. My principles — and my contradictions